Am I really doing this?

Am I really doing this? Sometimes it is almost as if I am not really me and I am not really doing this. It is not that I am not enjoying what I am doing it is really more surreal than I can explain. I have to admit this is probably one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced in all my life. I mean it is really easy to juggle all this....haha
Juggle is that really the analogy that I should use, to say that I am juggling this life would mean that I have a sort of control over it and I am calling the shots, sending the objects in my way in the appropriate direction so that I can catch them later and give them another toss.
I would like to compare it more to creative falling. I really don't know how it is going to turn out, but I have set it in motion. I tripped myself and now the rest is up to chance.
Of course, I really don't believe that my life is in any way a ball of chance or a trip that I am not clear of the end...at least not with Christ as my Savior. However, it is a creative trip...I mean juggle...I mean it is a slow dance in fast motion....you know what I mean.
I am doing my best, reading like a maniac, and falling behind more and more everyday. I can't keep up the pace, but I will do my best. It is not that any one thing is so overwhelming that I can' t handle it, it is really just that the time that I have doing whatever it is in my way for the day distracts somehow from what I will be doing later...or need to do.
I am ranting I realize that but it is somewhat theraputic...I must do it to keep sane!
Am I really doing this? It feels as if I am falling down and up at the same time.
Love....me